5 Reasons This Recession Is NOT AS BAD as Everyone Thinks:

1. This past weekend at Southeby's famous New York auction house, the above painting (mystically titled: "Bagpipe Player in Profile") was sold for a whopping $10.2 million. If times were tough, one wouldn't have to buy the painting. You could merely open the nearest window and view hoardes of constipated bagpipe players.

2. Exxon Mobil posted profits in 2008 of $45.2 billion. That is the largest profit ever reported by an American company. Ever. Like... ever! Guess we know who's buying crappy art.

3. The coolest ticker symbol on the NYSE is "TAP." It is the symbol for the cominded Coors/Miller beverage companies. They "disappointed" the Street by earning profits (yes they do still exist) of $90 million in the 4th quarter of 2008. This, by the way, is the worst quarter for the stock market in US history & brewing companies are STILL making mounds of cash.

4. A couple of weeks ago, there was a movie which reached #1 at the US box office. Title: "Paul Blart: Mall Cop" Spending money on crappy movies is the poor-man's version of buying crappy overpriced art. Thus proving the recession isn't stopping pointless spending regardless of your income level.

5. Speaking of income... In 2006, Merrill Lynch (now a division of Bank of America ...a.k.a. Bank of Amerrillca) earned a net income total of $7.5 billion, so it bonused its Wall Street execs a total of $8.4 billion. We are all aware of just how much better things were back in 06. So, a gap of a billion dollars or so between the amount of income and the amount of bonuses is only slightly alarming. In the year 2008, Merrill Lynch lost a net income total of $27 billion (that is not a typo and I did not leave out any decimal points). So, naturally, its execs certainly earned their bonuses which totaled $7.5 billion (only $900 million less in bonuses than the highest bonus year on record for the company).

It can be reasoned that even during a recession, people may continue to buy art, watch dumb movies, and buy beer. It is an unfortunate unwritten law of the universe that petroleum companies WILL make money. But, surely, during an time that has been called the WORST ECONOMIC EVENT SINCE THE GREAT DEPRESSION - a company that exists for the sole purpose of offering sound financial advice to its clients would not create an income-to-bonus gap of nearly $35 billion.

Surely...